A Fire Beyond Confusion

What might you say is the value of a Blog like this one? Perhaps I come across as self-obsessed. Too inward, too brooding? Well, this is the inner state come to light and I am not here to pretend it is any more pure and unsullied than it is. Yet out of this leaden confusion, pure gold can be wrought. It is in this that I place my firmest, most spiritual faith- that some higher force can end all the confusion, the daily indecision, with the lightening of inspiration and thereby transcend all that is known. Speaking as an artist, which is how I like to see myself, I can say with surety that my inside is anything but a diamond, anything but a clean, white sheet of snow. Yet this in no way disqualifies that which I create from being so.

Is everyone like this? According to the likes of Freud we are, full of restless passions and instincts, seeking self-preservation, often at the expense of our higher goals. The instinct of a species, blocking the instincts of a god-in-training from fully appearing. Well, I can't speak for anyone else on this point, but I can most certainly speak for myself. I can definitely see a distinction between spirit and animal inside myself... Yet I can say this without condemning the latter, knowing it to be a natural manifestation and a lesson in training to be mastered.

Many never do master their material urges. Some seek to deny them, to relegate them to the broom-cupboard, yet this only puts off the inevitable. To see ourselves as we really are, and to deal with that and to transcend that, in search of something else! Not to be trapped in the 'rat race' or whatever, not to be overcome by our desires, yet also not to deny what we are but rather learn to observe it and see beyond it... On that distant, golden coast I see an end to my fears and insecurities. To never again wonder if someone likes me, but instead to be filled with compassion for my fellow man. To never again worry about trying to reach the far shore but instead be able to focus on, to enjoy the very act of swimming there... These are small and invisible goals to the world, yet they are great and lofty ones to me!

Has anyone else ever felt this way.. So frustrated by the gap between ideals and reality... By the relatively poisoned chalice of the real compared to how it all should be? I am not writing this, I think, after a bad day- rather a good one, but in the knowledge that even my good days are always, to some extent or other, spoiled by fatal insecurity!

I can talk the talk... But can I really walk the walk... Or do I need Starfire to do the walk for me, flying in and landing ahead of me, guiding me like an angel to the prearranged destination, my own earnest efforts deemed futile and misguided from the start? What place effort in destiny? What place intention in faith? To never again wonder and just to know- this this the end of faith. An end to wondering in the desert... A sudden entry to the promised land.