Holding to the Sacred

I have a very bad habit of experiencing a great, blissful experience, one which shines with eternal love, relayed through the universe- only to let my resident fears and insecurities rupture the bubble of reality and let in 'the world' of limitations, of sufferings. Put short, especially when sensitised by great experiences, I am liable to feel something, some small irregularity so troubling it is as if it is poised to shatter the calm- which, then, over-reacting with a sudden burst of what looks like bad-temper, but is in reality a flowering of insecurity, an attempt to preserve security anew.

This is what I wish to conquer- my temper, my insecurity, my backwards- rushing perceptions that pull me back just when I am making the most progress. I want to extend my trust and keep the good feeling flowing, somehow let those destructive, unstable energies and my cynicism find a new channel, so as not to impinge in the purity of heavenly perceptions. I do really mean heavenly perceptions- I regularly experience satori-like bliss, a gift from a loving God, but then hours later my own feeling is ruptured when some small thing goes wrong.

I don't see this as just my problem- I see it as humanity's problem, yet as a human, it is as much mine as anyones, the 'cross I have to bear'. Good, trustful communication and a stronger faith could well help. To some extent, techniques like deep breathing, counting to ten could help, but what I am looking for is something beyond repression, rather to let it out in a healthy and positive way. Sometimes this can mean sharing what I am thinking with someone, however crazy it sounds, but then I need to be careful not to let it be done in a damaging way- either of their feelings or of my reputation for being sane! (Something that this blog, in the wrong hands, could well do- but the love of freedom of speech and the relative anonymity of the internet make this expression possible, in line with the 'avoid repression' policy above).

It is almost as if God gives me these great glimpses of eternity, or eternal love, that great ocean of kindness, of mercy and beauty, only to test my faith by allowing reality to nip me like a biting mosquito, to see if my faith is strong enough to maintain heavenly perceptions despite these provocations- many of which are no doubt merely imagined by a restless mind. Of course, another possibility s that my mind has been long-conditioned to define 'reality' as a negative to be faced, one which is escaped from in 'fantasy' realms. Knowing more, from the study of Reality (with a capital R) and religion, I now know that it is reality that is good and our psychology that is full of pitfalls and mental potholes.

The ancient problem remains- how to be truly religious and in the world at once? The ancient answer comes back- by conquering our own self and thereby the world, no longer feeling bothered or 'messed around' by it. A heavenly calm, a divine passion, accompanying heavenly perception. The only anger is righteous anger, to write wrongs, not an exaggerated sense of our own misfortunes or pressures. Psychology makes true religion possible, the feminine balanced with the masculine in a universe that is, essentially, feminine, inhabited by masculine minds.